Remember when you were a kid and you laughed when you saw Bugs Bunny dressed up in drag? (If you put “I was attracted to Bugs Bunny in drag” in the comments below, then you are banned from this site forever and you will make me sad…Daffy Duck made a much better looking lady).
Of course, some of you don’t even remember who Bugs Bunny is, I’m surprised anyone remembers who Mickey Mouse is to tell you the truth. When I see my step kids watching Disney TV, you never see anything about the famous mouse.
Wow, I got off track and I’ve not even started the article.
For the past four years Birmingham’s Bicycle Cooperative (BICI COOP if you want to look them up on the Nasdaq) has put together a ladies only ride called alley cat that tours the magical city of Birmingham.
The alley cat ride is probably one of the most hate driven and sexist rides in Birmingham. Men are
allowed forced to have to wear women’s dresses just to be able to partake in the famed ride. They undergo ridicule and strange looks from other men who could afford a fashionable dress designed by Eva Longoria and a pair a hip-slimming Spanx hosiery. It’s absolutely unfair to subject men to this type of thing just because they want to ride. You don’t see
men not letting women ride on a ride, right? Our society is so out of whack and I honestly think this is what is wrong with America. Women oppressors.
If you were fortunate enough to find a dress (I managed) for the alley cat, then you were allowed to ride. My wife and I showed up to the start of the ride and from there I’d never had my butt slapped so many times by women who think with nothing but their boobies. It was disgusting. If the humiliation was not enough, the women folk instructed us that we’d have to do physical challenges at each stop which I’m sure was just a ploy to get me to stand in a sexy pose while women gawked at me (I have this problem enough out of a dress much less in one!).
We were given our instructions and tons of alley cats (riders) took off in every direction on a giant scavenger hunt looking for different parks around the city. I chose to go with the folks of BUMP (the Birmingham Urban Mountain Pedalers) so it was a mix of fat tires and skinny tires barreling down the busy streets of the Ham. It was a pleasant day with an overcast and a cool breeze. At each stop we were instructed to perform a challenge such as “roll the ball in the grass,” “show how white you were by shooting hoops at a public park for everyone to see” and last but not least “do jumping jacks so your man-skirt would fly up and women could check out your biscuits.”
At least riding around in a group made it bearable…strength in numbers, right?
When we got to the finish, Kate and I had perfect timing as the bottom fell out. This didn’t deter anyone as we had kids dancing in the rain and good food to be had (whoever made the Pimento cheese, I want to hug you. Possibly never not stop hugging you. That was the best pimento cheese ever) as well as some other form of liquid refreshments. I got to hang out and laugh with folks I rarely see and the pain of wearing a dress faded away as the day went on.
If my little writeup has not convinced you that you should already be getting your nails did for next year’s Alley Cat, then oh girl, you need to listen up…
All proceeds go to Birmingham’s non profit, BiciCoop. What does BiciCoop do? They make it their goal to create easy and equal access to cycling by providing affordable bicycle maintenance, services, education, as well as a forum for sharing bicycle knowledge, activism and community. The BiciCoop team are a bunch of extremely sharp folks who are passionate about cycling and want to see everyone on two wheels riding. It doesn’t matter if you’ve been on a bike once or are a seasoned pro (like me…Birmingham’s premiere rider…although for some reason people keep saying “premiere writer.” Oh well, if you say it quick, no one knows the difference, right?).
Birmingham is extremely lucky to have such a great team of cycling enthusiasts that are willing to give of their time and try to make Birmingham a bike friendly city.
Moved by my little speech and want to help out? Bici is a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization. If you donate to them, you get a free puppy! Or a tax receipt…one in the same, right? Just think, you’d be helping out a great group and being able to tell Uncle Sam “sorry bro, those tax dollaz went to the Coop, yo! Swag!” (click on their site and you’ll see the golden donate button to the right)
Most importantly, the Alley Cat was a giant ball of hilarious fun and a time for gathering of two wheels, a skirt and friends.
See you at next year’s alley cat!